Early Round Voting Irregularities

Just a predicted, the Electronic Voting Terminals (EVT) are causing problems. Of all places for this to happen, it is in Florida where Govenor Jeb Bush rules. Bush...that seems familiar. Oh yeah, He is brother to President George W. Bush. Florida is also the location of the near Democratic win six years ago when Al gore was eventually declared winner by the courts tired of having snowbirds counting dimpled and dangling chads.
The biggest eroors that seem to occur are people who want to vote Democrat and the review screen says they voted Republican. Who can we blame for this? President George W. Bush. If he hadn't insituted the 'No Child Left Behind' initiative, all these late blooming high school grads wouldn't be literate enough to notice the mistake. In fact, the first drawing of the ballot looked something like this:

Easy to decide. Press the button that makes you feel good.

themadhatter quoted on FOXNews.com

Okay, it wasn't exactly a quote, but a theory that themadhatter posted in jest that is becoming a legitimate concern. Eric Ruff, Pentagon spokesman is reported to say that "rising violence in Iraq [are] attempts by Al Qaeda to influence the U.S. elections and stir up opposition to President George W. Bush." The Democrats have promised to set a date to remove troops and let Iraq run under its new government. What could be better for the insurgents than little resistance? Abu Ayyub al-Masri is reported by the Washington Post to be ordering redoubled attacks "to have a great effect on the American elections." It is likely that al Zawahiri is looking for a Bin Laden running mate.

Captain Underpants Costume Banned

Associated Press reports that a high school principal has banned students from dressing up as the popular childhood super hero, Captain Underpants. Nicholas Restivo banned the costume after three 17 year old female students dressed up in Beige leotards and nude stockings under white underpants and a red cape. They claimed they did nothing wrong and that some of the teachers thought it was cute.

"Yes, I know they weren't naked," Restivo said. "But the appearance was that they were naked." Although the girls argued that they were not naked, Restivo declared that no underwear will be seen in the school.

Restivo's next targets are rapper boys who can't pull up their pants thereby showing their boxers, hoochie girls whose underwear sits higher than their pants and tops are smaller than an infants, and activities that require students to change and reveal their underwear. But not the football program. Never mess with the sacred.

Happy Birthday, Madame President

Today Hilarity Clinton turns 59. By age 61 she plans to call 1600 Pennsilvania Avenue home. That would make Bill Clinton the First Gentleman. He will return to his old "romping" grounds. There is a push to get Hillary into the oval office. Hollywood would love it. Glenn Close and Geena Davis have portrayed a female president. In two years it could be reality and not fiction. There was always the suspicion that she ran the White House from 1993-2001. That is why Slick Willy had so much free time on his hands and other people's places. We will shortly see how the polls lean. Asking the question: Would you elect a female president? Of course many people will say 'yes'. Would you elect Hillary Clinton President? Does she have to bring Bill? Will the Secret Service (which isn't a secret. We all know they exist) hire female guards for the female president. Or can the male counterparts join Madame President in the john? question, questions.

Stupidity at its best!

This is a true conversation. The names have been changed to protect identities, but the effect will be the same.
(Phone rings)
James: Thank you for calling KFC. James speaking.
Caller: Is Conrad there?
James: No, Conrad has moved on to a different company.
Caller: Oh. Who owns KFC?
James: Yum! Brands Inc. Do you want to speak to a manager?
Caller: Is Yum! Brands Inc. not there?
James: No, Yum! Brands Inc. is in Louisianna.
Caller: Okay. I will call him there then.
(Hangs up)

In War, No One Wins

CNN reports that a survey shows that one in five Americans believe that the US is winning the war in Iraq. Another 18% believe that the insurgents are winning. The remainder believe that there is no winner. Of the 1,013 polled, none were Army experienced and most were celebrities. The poll sponsored by a red, white and blue donkey, was conducted the last three days. With two weeks to go before November's midterm elections, 51 percent of those polled believe Democrats would do a better job on Iraq, while 40 percent said Republicans would. This article from www.taxmama.com represents the best solution I see to the war.

Congress Corrupt; Election in Jeopardy

CNN reports that half of Americans think that Congress is corrupt. Due to a labor shortage and fears that the House Un-American Activities Committee would be re-established, no un-Americans were interviewed. Of those half, only one third believe that their congressman/woman is corrupt. This means that two thirds believe that someone else elected a corrupt person.

These suspicions are now fueling speculation that electronic voting terminals (EVT) for the Nov. 7 election will be susceptible to interference. Sixty-one percent say they expect inaccurate results because of technical glitches, while two-thirds say it is likely that hackers or political operatives will prevent the machines from producing an accurate count. Lead technician for the EVTs, Ayman al Zawahiri, is reported to be using the top security programs available. Microsoft guarantees that their program cannot be infiltrated and final modifications can only be performed by al Zawahiri as he has the password to the program. al Zawahiri has released his first ballot version for the Presidential race. One error occurs no matter where you touch the screen. The following result is displayed.

al Zawahiri reports that the program will work as planned for election day.

Childhood Too Dangerous for Children

Willet Elementary in Attleboro, MA has banned tag, touch football, and other unsupervised games of chase during recess for fear that someone wil get hurt and hold the school responsible. School principal Gaylene Heppe, who approved the ban, stated that recess is "a time when accidents can happen." While there is no official distric rules, many schools have been implementing their own rules. Elementary schools in Cheyenne, WY, and Spokane, WA, also recently banned tag during recess. A suburban Charleston, SC, school outlawed all unsupervised contact sports.
Parents are split in the decision to reduce childhood fun. Debbie Laferriere who has two children at Willet says, "I think that it's unfortunate that kids' lives are micromanaged and there are social skills they'll never develop on their own. Playing tag is just part of being a kid." Celeste D'Elia said her son feels safer because of the rule. "I've witnessed enough near collisions," she said.
Anything we should teach Celeste D'Elia and friends? For one, she never saw an actual collision, just near collisions. What does this mean? Kids learn to get out of the way. (Sidenote:Someone should teach this concept to Hamel who is not a child. This could be a relative of D'Elia).

This is not the first time that schools have taken the joy out of childhood. A few years ago four kindergarten children were suspended for three days for uttering threats of viloence and intimidation under the school's zero tolerance policy. What are they teaching in New Jersey that kids learn those techniques so quickly? Oh, it was a game of Cops and Robbers. What would be the suspension for playing Cowboys and Indians? That would involve threats of viloence, intimidation, and racism.

An article published on the New Jersey State Bar Foundation webpage states that "Under the most rigid zero tolerance policies, if a student does something that could possibly be looked at as violent, or promoting violence, he is automatically suspended or expelled, without being given an opportunity to defend himself." (Note; The article was written by Cheryl Baisden who omitted "herself' from this statement. We are equal opportunity today. The offender can be a girl.)

Other New Jersey School Disciplinary Actions
A second grader expelled for drawing a picture of a gun
A fourth grader who was questioned by police, suspended and sent for psychological testing because he as overheard saying he was going to "shoot" a girl in his class with a paper wad in a rubber band
A 15 year-old boy who was expelled because he changed the computer screen saver in the library to say, "Turn me off and I will blow up."

FYI
A couple of weeks ago I let my sons, age 5 and 7, play with realisitc light sabers. This week I shot a coworker with a paper wad in an elastic. The 15 year-old boy is funny. That is a good one!

12 Grain Bread, 7 Grain Cereal, and Single Grain...

The diet industry will go nuts over this new fad. Although the parent of the fad is still a fad, the Japanese have done it again. Sushi is all the rage. People eat it by the plate full. (Still a mystery to this blogger, but whatever). Now the appetite challenged can enjoy the rubbery, salty delicasy with Single Grain Sushi. You can re-read that last sentence again, or read the next one. Single Grain Sushi. It is the latest item on the menu at Omori Sushiya Kajiki in Japan. For the fish lover, you can get all the typical sushi: makimono, tako, tamago, ikura, kohata, anago, ebi, ika, Otoro and kanpachi. Ok, What I read was blah blah, taco(?), blah blah, blah blah, blah blah, blah blah, blah blah, blah blah, blah blah and blah blah. Not only are they going to give you smaller portions, they are limiting the one thing recognizable to a SINGLE GRAIN! To top this, you can only order this Single Grain Sushi if you call ahead and it is not a busy time. So why go through all this effort?
"I do it because the girls love it," says Shukan Bunshun, Omori Sushiya Kajiki chef. I could think of better ways to get girls.
1. Join the National Table Tennis Team
2. Star on Takeshi's Castle
3. Tell them you know Kenny Blankenship
4. Post a video on youtube.com doing anything

Father Shoots Son at Middle School Football Game

This report comes from Midvale, Utah of all places. A parent was spotted on the roof of the middle school during a football game. An officer saw him on the roof top walking around, pacing back and forth. The man was carrying what looked like a rifle. SWAT was called in and the field was evacuated. One witness reports hearing someone shouting, "Shooting! Shooting!". He didn't believe them until he saw SWAT following the man on the roof through the scopes on their rifles. The man jumped off the roof and ran when police officers pursued him. He later stated that he didn't think they were police. Why was he up there? To shoot video of his son's game. He was ticketed for trespassing and the rifle looking item, a lawn chair, was seized for evidence. No trigger has been found and apparently police are unable to determine the caliber of bullets required.

Midvale Utah Police Exam:
1. Name
2. Rank desired
3. Identify the dangerous weapon

North Korea Will Fart Again

Ever been on a crowded elevator and that familiar sulfur smell infiltrates your nose? On Oct 9, 2006 North Korea tested a nuclear bomb. The US confirmed the event by testing the radiation levels in the air.
"Sure we farted," Said Pyongyang, "And we will fart again. This time you won't know where." US satellites have confirmed similar activity prior to the first test. This time the North Koreans are putting up buildings to disguise their actions. Like the guy in the elevator who stands in the corner with his briefcase in front of him. You hear his stomach gurgling and you know it's coming. It is just a matter of time. North Korea will fart again and they don't care who smells it. Tell them to take the stairs and it is an act of war. They will fart in your home. Keep your doors shut and ready the air fresheners. North Korea had beans for dinner.

Israeli President Investgated

David Rosenberg reports that Israeli Police have evidence that supports allegations that President Moshe Katsav raped, assaulted and sexually harassed several women. A number of instances are being investigated involving women who worked under Katsav's authority.

To everyone's surprise. Katsav, 60, is denying the allegations. When asked to comment, he replied, "I did not have sexual realtions with that woman...Monica Lewinsky." Katsav's lawyers are requesting that Kenneth Starr be assigned the special prosecutor on the case and it is believed that Former US President Bill Clinton will be called as a character witness and coincidently an expert on the situation.

Thief can't arrest, arrests abruptly, gets arrested

A 24 year old russian thief was charged after driving away in a Nissan Primera. He told the police that he had seen the machanics do a paint job on the car and leave the keys. He took advantage of the situation and drove off. Little did he know, and shortly he found out, the car had no brakes. After flying through a set of traffic lights, he crashed into another car. He was arrested and charged with theft.

Congressional Candidate Crosses Border (il)Legally

Pennsylvanian Congressional Candidate and Apprentice flunkie, Raj Peter Bhakta, wanted to demonstrate the porous nature of the US southern border. He hired three elephants and a mariachi band to cross the Rio Grande and announce his (il)legal entry into the US. He was able to cross without incident even though he followed an illegal immigrant earlier and video taped him as he swam across the river under an international bridge and was subsequently caught.
Bhakta was shocked that one person could be caught while a man with three elephants with a mariachi band playing crossed uninhibited. How is this possible?
1. Bhakta is a US citizen, so technically, he can exit and leave at his own free will until they find out that the elephants were actually drug mules.
2. The elephants were in quarantine at a checkpoint and dipped for fever ticks, which is protocol according to Edinburg-based spokesman Roy Cervantes.
3. According to Cervantes, there is nothing wrong with bringing elephants and a mariachi band to a private ranch along to border.
To further discredit Bhakta claims, Cervantes noted that in the 2006 fiscal year, 110,512 undocumented immigrants from 50 countries were apprehended. Plus, it was probably Bhakta's first visit to the area with out any knowledge of how things are run.
What did Bhakta prove other than the fact that 110,512 illegals never made it? Nothing that a Pennsylvanian voter would really care about. I am embarrassed to learn Bhakta is Republican.

Police Fail "CALM"

A recent story published in the Lao Dong (Labour) newspaper in Hanoi, Vietnam raises questions about the education of the Vietnemese police. A death row inmate in solitary confinement is pregnant. The 39 year old Nguyen Thi Oanh was tested in September by a doctor and discovered she was 11 weeks pregnant. This is a first for a death-row prisoner in Vietnam. Police are investingating how it happened.
For those confused readers who are not familiar with CALM, it was a high school program Career and Life Management, now called Life Skills, which among other things taught about reproduction. This concept has seemed to baffle the police because Oanh's husband is serving time in another jail in another province at the time of conception.
This may be just this blogger's jaded view of the world, but I believe that the XY donor did not have to be her husband. Just a theory.
Oanh was sceduled to face a firing squad this year after losing an appeal on drug trafficking charges. She is requesting a pardon so that she can deliver the baby. The father has not yet been located, although the husband's location is known. So who can be the father? Try checking the guards on duty 11 weeks prior to the September exam. My hunch is you can narrow it down that way.

Ferry Fairly Fair Fare

TCCA1, the new double-decked ferry, crashed on it's maiden voyage today. The new conveyance, designed to carry 15 cars, or a combination of cars, shuttle buses, and emergency vehicles plus 100 passengers, to an airport, took nearly 30 minutes to travel 120 meters (131 yards). It was estimated that the trip would take only 90 seconds.
The almost $5 million boat docked to a celebration of fireworks despite it's delay. themadhatter has crunched the numbers and here it is: This $5 million ferry should have made the trip 20 times (not accounting for docking and loading/unloading time). That means transporting approximately 2000 passengers and 300 cars. There is no official word, but the Canadian Navy is rumored to be interested in purchasing the ferry to upgrade it's fleet for a mere $10 million. The Toronto Port Authority has refused comment.

Kids treat deemed Bio-Hazard

A large scale security alert was issued near the town of Halle, Germany when a red, orange, and green substance was found on the roadside. Reuters reports a wide area surrounding the spill was cordoned off on Sunday, and experts wearing chemical warfare suits spent a couple of hours examining the substance.
The fire brigade assumed a worst case scenario and did several tests. The gelatinous substance did not respond to poking. It was bright in colour. It smelled sweet. It felt squishy. No one dared to tried to ignite it. One bystander thought the whole situation was "fruity".
After some investigation, a newly wed groom, who was pulled out of bed, agreed to clean up the mess. Who was the groom? What skills did he have that the fire brigade didn't? They didn't say. It may be he requested anonymity because this 'toxic' substance was no more than Jell-O left over from a party.

Spell cheque works grate!

The world is increasingly becoming dependent on computer aided spell checks. Believe it or not, even those who receive a post-secondary education are relying on this simple click and edit program. Do you recall Simon and Schuster? (Wayne's last name is not Simon.) I am sure you have read a book published by this famous New York company. They recently published a book for Pakistan President Pervez Musharraf. Many typos were included in the published version.
President Musharraf

In Social Studies, did you ever learn about 'Islam Bad"? That is the Pakistani capital according to Musharraf's latest book.

Have you ever visited china? That is the neighbour (neighbor to American readers) to Pakistan, whose capital is Islam Bad. (Note:Proper names and places are always capitalized except for the poet e e cummings who officially changed his spelling.)

Who is the Indian Prime Minister? Dr. Manmohan Singh, or as Musharraf refers to him, Manmo Ham.

HindustanTimes.com reports that the New York publishers "are seriously embarrassed and hiding from the media because of a number of publishing, spelling and grammatical mistakes in the famous book". Well, duh! (Click here for the official definition). So to the brilliant minds at Simon and Schuster, I dedicate today's blog and give for their reading pleasure, the following poem.

Eye halve a spelling chequer,
It came with my pea sea,
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rarely ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
I'm shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect in it's weigh,
My chequer tolled me sew.

(Did you know that 'blog' comes up on the spell checker as a non-existent word?)

Hi, I'm Mario. This is where I live.

Walking down the piazza you see an olive skinned hunk. He approaches you and asks if you want to share a bowl of spaghetti. You consent and you hop in a fire-red Ferrari as he leads you to a large and gorgeous house. When you enter the kitchen, an older lady walks in and begins to make lunch. Is it his maid? No. It's his mom.

A recent study has shown that nearly 82% of young Italian men still live at home up to age 30. Don't be impressed by his big house. He lives in the basement. That glorious home-cooked food? Made by his mother. The fancy sports car? His mom used her husband's estate to bribe him out of the house. Does his mom 'really' like you? No. She wants her son out.

Are you looking for a hot European man to spend your quiet time with. Go to Sweden. The same study shows that by the age of 25 about 90% of young Swedes have their own flat.

Indecent Exposure

Recently in Frederick, Maryland, two volunteer cheerleading coaches were dismissed after one of them exposed her belly to the group of 7 and 8 year old girl students, WTOP in Washington reports. The volunteer had a smiley face drawn on her belly and exposed it to remind the girls to smile.
"Every time the girls weren't smiling, I showed them the smiley face. They thought it was hilarious," Smith said. In all, about three inches of her belly was exposed. Because of this indecency, the volunteers were relieved of their duties after three people complained.
Fall out from this incident could prove disastrous to the Baltimore Ravens of the NFL who play in Maryland. Rumour has it that the Raven's Cheer Squad is now required to wear floor-length gowns with long sleeves to avoid any controversy. Those who do not comply will be burned at the stake.

Big Bang is Big Bucks

Two American scientists have been awarded the Nobel Prize for physics by increasing the odds that the Big Bang actually happened. Per Carlson, chair of the committee for physics, stated that this discovery "is one of the greatest discoveries of the century." Let me check my calendar. Yep, six years in to a 100 year time span. I am sure this will hold up.

How is this possible? Simple. The CBC reports that working with NASA's COBE satellite, they were able to "observe the universe in it's early stages about 380,000 years after it was born. Ripples in the light they detected also helped demonstrate how galaxies came together over time." The COBE satellite is an amazing invention that can see long distances and into the past and watch the creation of the galaxy.

What's more, John Mather and George Smoot will receive $1.4 million dollars for their discovery. Carlson also stated that their discovery has "not proven the big-bang theory but they have given it very strong support" and that it "increases our knowledge of our place in the universe." Carlson never stated what 'our place in the universe' is or to who he was referring. Is it scientists, the human population, physicists, or the Nobel Committee for Physics? Whoever it is, they have a better understanding of their place in the universe.

"What really interests me is whether God had any choice in the creation of the world." --Albert Einstein

"My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive with our frail and feeble mind." -- Albert Einstein US (German-born) physicist (1879 - 1955)

T.O. Nearly K.O'd

This past week Terrell Owens of NFL fame was rushed into a Dallas hospital for a drug overdose. It was called, by police, a suicide attempt. During the day after it was called an allergic reaction, a reaction, a mix up by the T.O. publicity people. So what is the truth? Facts laid before us stand as this:
1. T.O. was in the hospital for an overdose.
2. When asked by police if he tried to harm himself, he said, "Yes." (Later refuted by his publicist as a misunderstanding because of the allergic reaction...reaction...mix up.)
3. The bottle was empty, but the other 35 pills were "in a drawer."
4. This is medication and supplements he has been taking for nine days.
So stand the questions:
1. Why would you say 'yes' when asked if you tried to harm yourself if that was in fact NOT what you were doing?
2. Who empties a pill bottle and puts the extra in a drawer?
3. How can you take the same pills for nine days and NOT have a reaction?
4. How is it that little numbered pills for a prescription can be mixed up with supplements that are usually the size of horse pills?
5. And to the brilliant publicist - why is it that T.O. has 25 million reasons to be alive? Generally it only takes one reason not to be alive and I am guessing that 250 thousand crumpled Ben Franklins aren't enough to cure T.O. as one of the most arrogant and despised receivers in the NFL.